My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
