in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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