I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
