she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
