Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
