the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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