I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I believe in your delicious
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
