She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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