So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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