We tried having a conversation with our noses.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
