Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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