and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
