if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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