Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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