you guys were way drunker than both of me
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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