she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
