You're my little dorito
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
