Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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