i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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