She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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