you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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