also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
