phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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