Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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