This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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