i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
