im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
