quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
