I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
