Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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