Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
