I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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