I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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