I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize