Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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