well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
