Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
