he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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