so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
