the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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