Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize