Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
