some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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