I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
