so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
