Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
