I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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