bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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