remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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