It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
