Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
