im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
