just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
