Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
