Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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