just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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